Alright, Bertinelli, I am just about sick of you. For years you were away from the scene, presumably living very comfortably on your money, and Eddie’s money as well. Somehow, the movie of the week phenomenon-which you helped foster-has gone on without you. I imagine the Hallmark Channel for one is grateful for the continued proliferation of movies of the week. I was fine with you. I never had a problem with you. My mind was free to be filled up with other unimportant things like birthdays and anniversaries.
But now I can’t turn on the Goddamned TV without hearing about you. Suddenly, you are popular and all over the place. Poor Schneider is probably hanging from the ceiling fan while you are making the rounds. And for what?
You got thin.
Big fucking whoop. Maybe I’m the pessimist here, but one doesn’t get thin, if once they weren’t fat. Now it seems all the female talk show hosts are fawning over you like you somehow wiped out PMS. Suddenly, they are showering you with terms like “inspirational”. For fucking what? Because you got thin? No, that shouldn’t be the story. Instead the story should be how some out of work yet financially comfortable has been let herself get so fucking out of shape in the first place. Is this what really passes as “entertainment news” these days? Why won’t anyone look at the real story?
Face it, kids, if it any of us were in her position, it would be different. Let’s see, I apparently never have to work a day in my life again. I am sure I rake in a fair amount form Eddie on a monthly basis, as well with what I’ve earned. I am sure I have a nice big house, if not more than one. Life is pretty sweet, and I can lead a life of leisure. So why the fuck would you let yourself get fat? I can’t speak for you (even though I technically did above, my bad), but if that was me, my ass would be in the gym every day, taking care of myself. I would want to make sure I am around as long as possible to enjoy my good life.
You don’t fool me , Val. I absolutely refuse to believe that you simply went on Jenny Craig and lost all the excess baggage. No, I am sure you had access to top trainers, doctors and nutritionists. Please do not think I am dumb enough to think you just ate your way thin.
In the 80s, you had airbrushing. In the 2000s, you have PhotoShop. Don’t tell me there isn’t some visual chicanery going on here. I have a problem that this has now become a cottage industry for you. You are super chipper on your Jenny Craig commericials. I love how one of the selling points is “the food comes right to my door”. Well, no duh, dipshit, where are they supposed to send it? The rear window of the garage? And you’ve ‘written’ a book as well.
Maybe I shouldn’t dump all over you. I mean, anyone who can inspire others to get healthy is a good thing. All I’m saying is you got tons of help, and I’m afraid you are somewhat misleading the Bon Bon eating masses. There’s a reason for all that small print in the ads. Usually, it’s along the lines of “eating sensibly and exercising regularly”. So, congrats, on getting re-famous for losing weight.
And by the way, if you did this on Celebrity Fit Club, I totally would have watched it.