Lawn Darts

Things weren’t so splintered in the 80’s. Such modern day marvels like the internet, TiVo and gaming systems weren’t around to keep people glued to their beanbags for hours and hours on end. People were much more social. Neighbors hung out. Families had relatives over. With a bit of pre-planning, it was pretty easy to get a happening picnic going. Volleyball nets and ice tubs would appear. Charcoal grills would emerge from the hibernation in the garage. Speakers would be leaning in windowsills to blast music through the screens. Adults would hang out, inevitably to leave the kids to play their own games. One of my favorites was lawn darts.

Lawn darts is exactly what it sounds like. Take 2 thin plastic rings, place them a distance apart. In your hand would be a fairly heavy piece of plastic and metal. The metal formed a tip at one end. As it ran up, ‘fins’ were attached. The goal was to throw said dart into the ring. With an underarm motion, kind of like in bowling, you would arc your arm up and try to get the dart to land into the ring. Fun for hours, right?

As in most games, rules could change from town to down. You could play the “dart within a dart-length” rules gets you a point at your Uncle Ed’s. Then at the next party somewhere else, you could play where only bulls eyes count. Surely you could see the rumbles this could cause.

I remember wasting many summer days with my friend playing lawn darts on my lawn. It was hipper than horseshoes. There was always anticipation to see if your dart was within range to steal a point or 2. Good clean fun. But also a sign of just how naïve we could be back then. It was all fun and games. That is, until the kids started ruining everything. See, in addition to their proclivity to finding the bulls eye, lawn darts also developed the proclivity to finding their way into little kids’ skulls.

Suddenly this game everyone had been playing for years was now deadly. I say it was just evolution. I mean if a kid is dumb enough to wander near where sharp projectiles are raining down on the ground, odds are he wasn’t going to be a great scientist or politician. In nature it’s called ‘thinning the herd’. Besides, their parents should have been watching them instead of sucking down another can of Genny Cream Ale.

If you think about it, it’s a wonder this game even made it to the market. You couldn’t make that sales pitch today. “OK, esteemed board members, here is our latest idea sure to drive up profit margins. We’re gonna sell these foot long metal spears and put plastic fins on them. They will weigh like pound or two. The game will be to throw the darts into plastic rings! It’s like the game of darts, but only you can play it outside!” “Um, Jenkins, are these darts lethal?” “Say what now? No, no I can assure you, there isn’t any lead in the plastic rings…anymore.” “Well, OK then, let’s go with it.”

In the 80s, no one worried about getting hurt. These days, you can even sell sharp knives for fear of some shithead threatening to sue because they cut themselves. Well the game ends up killing 3 kids, and gets banned. Shouldn’t bad aim be the culprit here? Yes, I have found documentation that three kids were killed as a result of lawn darts. And how come it was always kids who got stuck? You never heard Spot or Tabby taking one to the noggin; no, it was always Timmy or that one slow kid. By comparison, how many kids have been killed skateboarding, yet those lethal decks of death are still prevalent? My God, I see kids trying to kill themselves every day going right down my street! Maybe I should throw a lawn dart at them to scare them off their boards of sure doom.

As the lawn dart was phased out, other, more wimpy games took its place. Today you can play something called ‘cornhole’, which to me is something that sounds like it ‘ain’t right’. You can also find cheap safe versions at just about any dollar store. These games are frauds, an affront to freedom lovers every where. Where is the sense of danger? Where is the thrill? Where is the possibility of getting impaled? There are only a few things more I can think of that make me feel studlier than holding a small spear in one hand, and a cold beer in the other. I am sure my caveman forefathers did something similar with their sharpened sticks and raccoons.

So I say it’s time to bring back the lawn dart. Memorial Day is not that far away, and what better way to spend it than by gettin’ liquored up and throwing sharp objects? I’m off to eBay to win me a set from the UK.