Some things are better left in the 80s. Small Wonder. Knock off Swatch watches. That picture of me at the shore wearing truly hideous orange and yellow Jamz, thinking I was the shit. And another thing that should firmly be left in the past is bad 80s music. Don’t get me wrong, the 80s gave us great pop, rock, metal and Appalachian folk ditties. Just the same, it gave us truly horrid music as well. And as the cycle of life continues, everything that is old is new again. I remember as a kid growing up and hearing a song that was a cover; i.e. some new band was re-recording a song another band did. AKA remakes.
My previous lifetime in the music biz has taught me a few things. And when it comes to covers, it is rarely an altruistic case. More times than not, by a band doing a cover song, it betters their chances of being played on the radio. A lot of times, they do these cover songs because their record label makes them do the cover song. Now I have no direct knowledge of this event, but I firmly believe that this must be the case with the newest cover song zooming up the charts; Seether’s cover of a fucking Wham song.
From a purely historical standpoint, no good ever comes out of a band covering a Wham/George Michael song. We need to look no further back than the dawning of a truly horrid musical genre-‘rap rock’. Among a few other guilty parties, one of the leaders of the bastardization is ol’ Red Hat himself; Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit. To be fair, LB did have a huge buzz going for them, but it was their rendition of ‘Faith’ that got them on radio. From there, they rode the fad of rap rock right into the ground. While my research doesn’t quite bear it out, I am still convinced that cases of ear cancer shot sharply up during the late 90s. So history will support my hypothesis of covering Wham/George Michael songs = suck.
I have no real beef against Seether. I think they have some OK songs. I wouldn’t buy any of them, and I wouldn’t even illegally download them either. I can easily confuse Seether with any other of a dozen or so bands with that type of sound. They’re just kind of ‘there’ for me. But I do know they throw in the occasional ‘fuck’ into their songs, and that will always win points from me. So when I heard they were covering Wham’s ultra-wussy ballad ‘Careless Whisper’, I immediately called for the revocation of their collective man cards. I am sorry, but there is no way you can call yourselves a ‘rock band’ and then go cover a fucking Wham song.
This is far worse than any number of wussy power ballads Bon Jovi has foisted on the public over the last 20 or so years. (Chief among them, ‘Thank You For Loving Me’. I can forgive you for the frosting and highlights, but JBJ has to hand back his man card as well.) How ironic is it that one of Seether’s recent hits goes “you’re such a fucking hypocrite’. Sorry, guys, use all the f-bombs you want to, but it can’t make up for redoing ‘Careless Whisper’.
The pitch meeting at the label had to go something like this. “OK, guys, you’re successful. Rock radio has played a bunch of your songs the last few years, and you’ve sold us a bunch of records. Now it’s time to break you guys big time. We want you to do….a cover!” Seether replies, “Well, um, OK. Let’s do a cool rocking band. Let’s cover someone like the Scorpions or Maiden or….” “Actually, guys,” the record label suit would interrupt,” we have another direction. We’re thinking the world is just absolutely begging for a cover of ‘Careless Whisper’.”
Seether sits in stunned silence. “But, guys, we’re not gay.” The label carries on, “Look guys, trust us here. We think this could be a huge radio hit, really take you guys to a new level. The chicks you guys will get…” Seether responds, “But we don’t even like that song, no one does. That song should be best left in the 80s. Christ, our fans will totally turn on us. 80s bloggers will go nuts! They will ask for our man cards back! We can’t get chicks without our man cards!” The label puts their foot down, “Do it or we’ll send you on tour with Limp Bizkit.” “Hey, whoa man! No need to go that far. OK, we’ll do it, we’ll do it.” And now we all must suffer.
As a kid, all my music info came from 2 sources; Hit Parader & Circus. I still think I have one Hit Parader issue with a Duran Duran dartboard. You never saw Dokken doing a KC & the Sunshine Band cover. No way. But now Seether has crossed the line, and given a horrible song new life. Have you ever listened to the lyrics to CW? In the name of journalistic integrity, I have to look them up to prove my point. CW features such douchey lyrics like “I’m never gonna dance again/Guilty feet have got no rhythm” and “I’m never gonna dance again/The way I danced with you” Man cards, right NOW Seether. Also temper this with one of their own works; “Fuck me like you hate me/Dig it up and hold me out.” How can you go from something cool like that to something douchey like covering ‘Careless Whisper’?
The worst fucking part, is goddamn it if the song doesn’t get stuck in my head.