As a kid, freedom was a flirting possibility. I was confident I could bike from home to the moon, but my damn overprotective mother had other thoughts. So my range was fairly limited. About as far as I could go was to the convenience store a few blocks away. This was the same store that was tantalizingly right across the street from the cemetery. There were countless times I stared across the street at what surely must be the most happening place in the world. I was sure all kinds of wicked cool things happened in that cemetery. But, being the good kid I was, I listened to mommy and never strayed to the “cem”.
So much of my world was in this convenience store. Ah, the freedom I had. With some paper route money firmly in pocket, the world was my oyster. There were so many choices. Did I want to buy the new Mad or Star Hits? Was I thirsty? Should I buy a Coke? Bottle or from the machine? Could I stuff 3 Pudding Pies down my gullet before I ever made it back to my bike? Maybe it was time to grab some more baseball cards. Sure, I already had a thousand back home, but I needed like 36 more cards to complete the set. Talk about the holy grail. And I was one of those kids that actually enjoyed the gum that came with baseball cards. Chalky and pink, it somehow tasted like ‘summer’ to me. Yea, maybe I needed some gum today.
Gum was just starting to get cutting edge back in the 80s (long before it came in plastic containers). We had the old standby-Juicy Fruit. I don’t think anything has changed about Juicy Fruit since then, except the price. Back then it was a quarter for a pack, right? We could feel edgy and go Big Red. (So kiss a little longer, hold hands a little longer, hold tight a little longer, longer with Big Red). About the biggest breakthrough in gum technology was Freshen Up; gum with a liquid center. Pretend you were a ball player with Big League Chew.
I always wanted more in my gum of choice; a lot more. And only one item satisfied that need. And that one magical gum was the Bubble Burger. The Bubble Burger was and still is my favorite gum. In fact, the Burger was more than just gum. No, it was an event.
BB stood out because of its packaging. While most other gum came in strips in packs, BB made them a mockery. BB came in its own plastic container, a replica of burger boxes. 100% pure bubble gum the top of the box proudly proclaimed. The Bubble Burger was massive. I’m no numbers guy, but I really think one BB could easily hold more than one whole pack of Juicy Fruit.
The Burger itself was a monster. I have it in my memory that the burger was comprised of 3-4 pieces of gum. 2 were for the ‘buns’, and I want to say at least 2 more made up the patty and the cheese? I am sure it was more than a mouthful for some younger kids. But it never discouraged me. It was always a challenge to shove the whole thing in. And the same thing always happened; my jaw would get locked open. Now, it was man against gum. There was never a Bubble Burger than beat me.
It would take a few minutes for the saliva and my young teeth to make some progress. But, o, it was so good. The gum soon softened, and my taste buds were soon rewarded. I was like a cow, working their cud. I can’t properly explain just how good this gum was. Words do not properly explain the mélange that was the Bubble Burger. Wow. And when the experience was over, you had a souvenir; the plastic container. You know how some slobs have their back seat covered in fast food boxes? Well, that was my room. Like I was building some tributary monument for the Lord of All Gum. I also used them to hold stuff; like tacks. Which in retrospect isn’t the smartest thing to do if you have younger siblings running about. Mom “Kev, how come he is yakking up tacks?” Me “I dunno.” Ah, golden times, my friends. Sadly, research shows that Fleer (the parent company) discontinued the Bubble Burger in 2001. This came as quite a shock, since I never stopped looking for the elusive BB wherever I went. I am also said since I will never, ever have another Bubble Burger. O, how I weep for the future generations with their shitty Dentyne Ice.
As I do with a lot of things I opine about here, I highly doubt the BB could ever be made and marketed today. The Bubble Burger was quintessential 80’s. It was bright, colorful, larger than life. No way something like that could be made these days. For starters, no gum company would put out their gum just raw these days. There was no wrapper or protection for the BB, just the gum itself in a plastic container anyone can open, tamper with and close. Also, like I said, this was a fairly big wad of gum; I am surprised it made it to 2001 with no apparent chokings. And I am sure the gum was nothing but sugar and the most borderline of ingredients: Yellow #5, high fructose corn syrup, lead paint chips, salt. Orthodontists had to be behind the gum somehow. They had to be that 5th dentist that never recommended the other gum.